Without even realizing it, I've fallen by the wayside. I thought I was doing fine, on the way to great new things, happier children, sunshine and roses.
Instead I've looked up and found a gray sky, instead of blue, frightened children, instead of connected, chaos, instead of order, anxiety, instead of peace.
I'm not sure how I got here. Well, maybe I am. I'm in transition- but aren't we always? I thought myself stronger than this; the blow to my ego upon realizing my vulnerability has been acute.
I am anxious. I am controlling. I am sad. I am lonely. I am in that dark tunnel. I am scary mommy.
I will talk. I will reach out. I will exercise, for my sanity, and for my children. I will read to them. I will give her to Justin, and connect with him. I will ask his forgiveness for my impatience and neglect through my time, and hugs. I will listen. I will be present.
I will let the house go, before I begin. I will take baby steps and accept that time heals all things.
I accept myself. I value myself. I am myself, I cannot compare my worth and life to another's. My job earns no paycheck, merits to promotions or accolades. I have no prestigious title, no hard earned degrees. That is more difficult than I expected, to not see proof of my value and hard work in concrete ways every day. To always question if I'm doing enough, being enough to them, giving enough to myself, let alone my marriage. I sometimes feel like a fragmented, anxious squirrel, darting from project to task to errand, never completing something because my brain is racing around ahead of me, compiling lists. I have convinced myself that I'm a juggler, when I can barely catch a ball. I never stop to ask myself if the juggling is even necessary (it's not).
But I have value. I am important, essential, to two amazing little people. What is more prestigious than that.
I will let go of my guilt. I will judge no one, myself included. As Laura's mother said, I will ask myself daily in moments of self doubt and anxiety, - what is the most loving decision I can make?
What is the most loving decision I can make? It seems so simple when I remember to love.
