Reflection

Today Mateo pinched his finger while playing with the pots and pans. He started to cry so I went to console him and kissed his finger. He stopped crying, we put away the offending pots and I picked him up. As I lifted him into my arms he held his finger up for me to kiss, looking into my eyes as if to say, "Make it better, Mommy." So I did. I was amazed at how much another kiss soothed him and seemed to satisfy his need. If only his hurts and troubles could always be fixed so easily.

He attempted to sing "Happy Birthday" with me this evening. When I tickle him and say "Tickle, tickle," he says, "Ticka ticka." Every day now he imitates me talking on the phone. He is the most amazing person I have ever known.

The changes and developments are visible daily now, piling on one after another. He fills my arms to capacity, my big boy, my heart long ago overflowed so that I'm perpetually drowning in love for him.

Holding him close tonight. Our blessings know no end; my sorrow for parents grieving the loss of their own babies is more than I can say. I let the tears flow, inhale Mateo's sweet, innocent scent, and thank God for another day with my son. It is clear to me now more than ever that he is on loan to me...that all parents are mere shadowy, earthly guardians for these souls from heaven. May our spirits know peace in this troubling time.

Justin bought a pint each of Ben & Jerry's Cofee Heath Crunch and B&J's Peanut Butter Brittle today. There was a BOGO sale at Publix, of course. I ate my Coffee Heath Crunch the way God intended, layer by layer, inch by inch, rejoicing at the unearthing of large candy bits and savoring the coffee ice cream that gave up these treasures. Then I shared with Justin. After a few minutes I realize he is digging around in my ice cream. He is not scraping off the goodness bit by bit, he is DIGGING OUT THE CANDY TREASURES. I was shocked. My brain couldn't comprehend what my eyes were seeing. "Are you....are you digging out the candy??" I asked. No response, just what I can only assume was meant to be a sweet smile. I saw red. I grabbed the pint away from his greedy hands. I held my Coffee Heath Crunch as only a woman who truly knows the value of good ice cream can. "That is NOT how you eat ice cream," I said icily. I knew what I had to do next...I had no choice. I had to put the poor pint out of it's misery and prevent any further desecrations to her creamy insides...insides now devoid of the crunch that made her special. I reclaimed my spoon and finished the pint. Layer. By. Layer.

I think this probably says a lot about my life right now.

Elimination Communication!

Oh my gosh, I can't believe I even ventured into this territory but I have to say - I LOVE EC! We've been doing it since Sunday and today I caught 1 poop and 4 pees! I can already see an improvement in Mateo and I's communication, and in his awareness of his elimination. It's awesome knowing that's one less poopy diaper I'll have to wash and he'll have to sit in. We're doing it very part-time, I'm being very relaxed and casual about it - for instance, I'm sure we won't have as many catches this weekend when we'll be more busy and out of the house, but when we're able to do it and we're successful - fantastic! My motivation for EC basically comes out of a fear of potty-training. Doing it this week both made me wish that I had started ECing Mateo from birth, and thankful that I started now. He gives very few, like almost no signals (I'm hoping he starts giving more signals as his awareness of his elimination needs returns/builds) and I think was getting pretty comfortable going in that diaper...I've heard horror stories from friends about potty-training and I fear that Mateo would have been difficult if we hadn't discovered EC. This is not a cure-all for potty-training woes, by any means, but I've yet to hear of anyone who EC'd from this age and didn't have an early/easy transition to toilet independence, as it's called. Hooray! Also, it's just nice to know that I'm meeting his needs in this way, too, just as I am if he's hungry, or sleepy. EC just makes sense.

This is a great blog post on what exactly EC is, along with saome FAQs:
http://soeasybeinggreen-blog.com/2012/04/elimination-communication-faqs-a-guest-post/

(Nearly) 6 Months

Mateo will be 6 months old this Saturday. I can't believe it's been that long since I pushed him out into the world, but all evidence points to the fact that his babyhood is quickly slipping through my fingers (and now I'm crying, thanks, self. Ugh.). He's been sitting on his own for about 3 weeks now, since around 5 months, and is visibly anxious to turn into one of the "big" (little) boys we see running around the parks and fountains. He watches them with such intense interest and grins anytime anyone looks his way. He gets frustrated when I'm changing his diaper or when he falls back on the floor from sitting up because he wants to be able to sit BACK up, and doesn't understand why all the crunches in the world aren't making that happen (your spine and abs aren't that developed, little dude). He fills my days with babbling and happy screaming and my nights with the sweetest snuggles in the world.

Despite the months of teething we've already endured, he still has nothing to show for it, but that's perfectly ok with me, just frustrating on those nights they're causing him pain. He is so interested in everything we eat/drink, and reaches for EVERYTHING so for the past few weeks I've been giving him food here and there. He's tried avocado, sweet potato, carrot, broccoli, green beans, green smoothie, banana, apple. Everything is met with an awful face, but the faces are slowly becoming less tortured. He does get excited whenever he sees me eating a banana so I hold it for him and let him gum it until he "bites" off a piece. I did put him in his highchair and give him his own big hunk of banana the other day but it pretty much just ended up on the floor, over and over again. I'm trying to skip purees and just do soft solids, following his lead. Food at this age is really about exploring texture and coordination, learning to chew, rather than nutrition. It gets messy this way, but it's fascinating to watch him learn that he needs to chew up this big hunk of "nana" in his mouth.

Yesterday (St. Patrick's Day) Justin's wonderful sister gave birth to Eli, Mateo's newest and closest (in age) cousin. I am so happy for them/jealous that they still have a newborn/anxious to meet him. My emotions have been all over the place today as I see pictures of Eli meeting his family for the first time and I wish SO MUCH to be there, to be sharing those moments, for Mateo to know what it's like to grow up with cousins and grandparents he sees every week, not every 3-6 months. I think about how he'd only met a few family members by the time he was 3 months old and I get sad for him that we don't have those pictures and memories of him being cherished and welcomed into the world by all the people that love him. I don't like to think of myself too much as a "military wife" because the truth is that my life is vastly different from that of most military wives. My husband comes home every day, I never have to worry about him being deployed for months, if not years. There are very few military in our area and we don't live in any sort of base housing - I've only met a couple other spouses from Justin's station. But sometimes the reality does sort of smack you in the face - like no matter how much we want to be close to family it is simply not possible, and not at all up to us.

The upside, because there always is one, is that we basically live in paradise. It's taken me awhile to warm to this town, and there's a lot I don't love about it and the people here. But there's no excuse for not fully embracing and loving our entire time here - especially as we just learned we'll be here for at least 3 more years, not the 18-24 months we were thinking. There are parks on every corner, filled with ficus trees, palm trees, Spanish moss, etc. There are fountains everywhere, the kind that come out of the ground and have a timed patten of strength - the kind children love to run through (I'm glad we'll be here long enough for Mateo to really enjoy these). There are farmer's markets with local or fairly local produce for prices I could never pay year round in Virginia. There are organic co-ops of entirely local produce, this vegetarian's dream. There's the beach, and the river for when the beach is too rough, and warmm clear water. There are blue skies practically every day, temperatures that drop to the mid 60's on a cold day in "winter." I've found a wonderful community of warm, loving, natural minded mothers who help keep me sane on those days Mateo is insisting we leave the house and see other people. There's West Palm Beach 45 minutes away for shopping, little bit of city, and Miami 2 hours away for even more city life. There are lizards and alligators and strange birds and manatees. There are playdates in the park and lazy Sunday afternoons at the beach and there is a lot, a lot of love.

It's not perfect, and it's maybe not where I'd be if I had a choice. I think a lot of life is about ceding control and embracing the hand you've been dealt. And the reality is that I've been dealt a pretty fantastic hand - a loving husband/best friend, a sweet, beautiful, healthy son who grins whenever he sees me, great supportive women I can laugh and cry with, and a beautiful place to call home.

Welcome to the world, Eli! Just because I'm not there doesn't mean I love you any less...I can't wait to meet you!

First Foods?

We've passed the four month mark and that six month starting line for trying real food is fast approaching. For a while now I've been holding whatever I'm eating or handling (ginger root, lemon peel, etc.) up to Mateo's nose for him to smell - and so far he's never shown one hint of thinking, "Hey, this could go in my mouth" (probably because it's ginger root and lemon peel).  Everything else goes in the mouth, but not food.

Until yesterday. I noticed over the weekend that he was much more interested in watching me eat, watching food go from plate to fork to my mouth, than he'd ever been before. I've always said that we would wait until he showed interest to introduce him to food, no matter if that was before or after six months....but I reallllyyy hoped it wouldn't be until at least six months (when they say exclusively breastfed babies can be introduced to solids). I'm not looking forward to those poopy diapers. Last night, while Justin and I were eating a GIANT pummelo from the farmer's market, Justin held out a few...beads (? Globules? What are the little juicy pieces that make up citrus fruits called?) ...of pummelo on his fingers for Mateo to smell. I don't know if Mateo was actually going for the fruit, or just Justin's fingers (those he DOES recognize as food and want in his mouth - hello, teething!), but all of a sudden he had four pummelo beads in his mouth and I was yelling, "No! No fruit! He'll only want the sugar! And I've NEVER heard of citrus being a first food!" (Hahaha. Everything I've heard says to give them veggies first, fruits later, otherwise they'll only want the sweet fruit. I don't know how true this is, but it makes sense.)

Needless to say I dug the globules out of his mouth.

He may be ready to try some solids...I just don't know if I am.

4 Months!

Babies changes so quckly. I feel like a week ago I just had a "baby," a little person who ate, slept, pooped, maybe smiled, cried, repeat. Sure he would look at us and "talk" and smile, but who knows what is going on in that little head?

Today I feel like I have a Mateo. He has opinions, likes and dislikes, and a full blown personality (he's a sensitive soul). The cats are his favorite entertainment, it's wonderful to see the joy they bring him just by walking into the room. His love for Silas has made me like Silas more, so I can say with honesty that our household has been much peaceful lately - not that Silas is better behaved, just that I've given up on disciplining him. Making Mateo laugh is generally the business of my days, and keeping him from being bored. I see his eyebrows arch and I know I'm doing something right. His lids lower and I know he is bored, verging on tired. I'm realizing how much he wants my full attention, wants me to play with him and talk to him and not just carry him around or bounce him on my leg as I fool around on the computer. While playing with a baby all day can be great, it can also be totally boring, I'm not gonna lie. I think being really intentional about our playtime and devoting my full attention to him for an hour at a time goes a long a way in his world and allows him to be more content in the carrier, bouncy seat, whatever for those other times I need to get adult stuff done. Surrendering to his needs instead of trying to fit him into my plan has made us both much happier this week...who would have thought.

Mateo can ALMOST roll over from back to belly (he's been rolling from belly to back for about a month and half)! He tries so hard, puts so much effort into it...it's like watching Justin do the P90X core workout. He gets the leg and arm over and just needs to pull the other arm out from under him to do it....so cute, and so tempting to help him. Instead I just watch him struggle, haha.

I spend a lot of time gazing at my baby and thinking, "He is the most beautiful thing in the world." I know every mom does this and the fact that it's true for every mom is amazing to me.

As I type this Mateo is sleeping on my lap, making nursing motions with his lips. I look at his beautiful eyelashes and remember how they weren't there when he was born, how I eagerly watched them grow those first couple of months, blonde little hairs creeping out over his beautiful eyes. Now they have darkened and are long and full. I'd been telling myself that all the hair he had was what he was born with, wondering when he would grow more...and a friend pointed out to me that he already is. How I could spend nearly 24 hours a day with this little person attached to me and not notice, I don't know. But there they are, short blond hairs all over his head, sprouting up amid the longer, darker hair he came into the world with.

Time goes by shockingly fast.