Today

Between the sighs, tears, the "how am I going to do this?" and the overwhelming...desperation of it all is something else.

She is my something else. My Lydia Antoinette, my Annie. The quiet, easily startled, sleepy, frightened eyed little girl who constantly occupies my arms, my lap. Fifteen days old. So...easy. She is my world and easily forgotten. She's here. My daughter. She epitomizes sweetness, meekness, she asks so little from me. To nurse, to be held. To stare into my eyes, to speak to my soul, to say, "I'm here. At last." She barely spits up, her burps are quiet little lady burps. So unlike her brother, who charged into the world screaming for his dinner, and still bangs his way through our home and hearts two years later. What a relief she is, what shelter from this storm that is my transition to mother-of-two. And yet...she did this. She is the reason for this storm. I look at her peacefully dozing and wonder how that can be true. How can this quiet, wide-eyed, kissy lipped, dark haired angel be the reason for my chaos? Did Mateo take so much of me that I cannot spare even the small bit she asks?

I am letting go. I am breathing, in and out, in and out, in and out. Three deep breaths to eliminate the fright or flight response. I am choosing not to care about these things, to love my little boy first, and my home last. To shelter my new baby in my arms, to wear her close to my heart. Water, clean diapers, food. The necessities. One day at a time, that's all we have. I have this day with her, tomorrow she'll be bigger. I have this moment to play with him, tomorrow he may not want me. I am theirs for today, one day soon they will be gone. Today, love for today. That's all I need. Love is patient, love is kind. Today, now. Not in a little while, now.

They are changing me, with their love, with their cries, the lips they both inherited from their father, sucking my heart out with the milk one requires for survival, and the other requires to feel the fullness of my love. Their eyes, so big, his, mine, challenging me to love them more, love them first.

Today, love for today.