"Mommy, I'm here to tell you that the sun is not as bright as fireflies." - Mateo, age 4

Things I love (an incomplete account)

Humans of New York
Belgian Ale
Clothes that make me feel special
Christmas lights
Dancing
Mateo's smile
Annie's eyes
Tom Hardy
Books that make me say, "YES"
Sixpence None the Richer
Scarlett Johansson
Fancy chocolates
Psalms
A perfect tree in an empty field
Spanish moss
Spain
Lagos, Portugal (where you'll find me in the event of my disappearance)
Limoncello
Seat heaters in cars
Paris
Sriracha
South African accents
Giraffes
Ex-boyfriends
Annie's hair
Mateo's feet
"I just love you"
Dead Poet's Society
Grace
Old buildings, old books
Taboo
F. Scott Fitzgerald
Whales
My mother's hair
My father's mouse
When Mateo/Justin talks in his sleep
Ceiling fans
Newborn babies
Trains

Day 3

Cervical position and mucus be damned, I track my cycle by the intensity of my chocolate cravings.

Lots of tears in church. Embarrassing, but oh well. Living is embarrassing.

Day 2

First morning in "new" bed, in "new" home. Sadness, but routine as usual. How can everything be so different and look exactly the same?

Mateo and I Skyped with Justin. Good for Mateo, hard for me. Angry eyes at the screen, quietly critical when Justin asked him if he wanted to come back to Connecticut. Well, I attempted to be quiet but I think it really turned into a tense, quiet argument that I'm sure Mateo noticed. More failure at parenting.

He wants me to be the person he tells things to, what she has been to him for the past year. Should I be happy about that? I'm still angry. I told him I was glad for that but I can't respond as he wants until we deal with stuff in therapy. Apparently his response to that was to (maybe) get drunk (?) and ignore my many calls and texts this evening. Trying not to let my anger, jealousy and fear take over and make me imagine the worst. He is an addict, he is an addict, he is an addict...this is not about me, this is about his addiction (my mantra).

Started reading "Carry On, Warrior" by Glennon Doyle Melton. This book may save my marriage, or at least myself. All these messages, stories, moments where I've felt God reaching out to me can't be coincidence, right? He is here with me, in this. How can I not forgive Justin? And yet, even God says that we must come to Him and ask forgiveness, though it is freely offered. I only ask repentance. Therapy, come quickly.

Day 1

The action is over, the rushing, yelling. Now there is the waiting, the thinking, the God awful feeling. There is the planning, the moving of stuff to make way for our stuff. The empty silences, the conversation of nothing else but this. They were my reason to get out of bed but this morning I wanted to forget that. My brain can't process this reality. Small motions are difficult.

Called for therapy, for me, for Mateo. The one therapist for Mateo is no longer seeing young children, or accepting insurance. I'll wait for my potential therapist to see if she'll see him, if not I'll call Support again.

It seems so hopeless. I pray he is more addict than narcissist. Everything I've read says that narcissism is hopeless.

Oh God, soften his heart. Transform him. Give him empathy, Lord. Nothing is impossible for you. Nothing is impossible for you. Nothing is impossible for you....

Stranger

And I only kiss your shadow,
I cannot feel your hand,
You're a stranger now unto me
Lost in the dangling conversation.
And the superficial sighs,
In the borders of our lives.

Justin

You refused to see anyone, numbing yourself with the opiate of silence.
/ Great House, Nicole Krauss

30 Things...2

2. Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears:

1. Snakes. I don't have nightmares about them, or scan the grass every time I step outside, but if they are around I'm definitely afraid. This probably comes from that time I was about nine years old and went out to the henhouse to collect eggs after dark, as per my chores (didn't do them during the day, still had to do them at night). I opened the door and shone my flashlight on a giant black snake, jaws agape, with a young hen halfway down it's throat. Terrifying.

2. Living an unexamined life. I want to really LIVE - and I don't mean scaling Everest, but I want to really be fully living no matter what I'm doing. I'm terrified of stagnation and growing old and discovering I didn't do something because it was uncomfortable, or scary. I'm not scared of "what if"s I'm scared of "what if we don't." I want to do something that means something to someone, and not waste away in an unhappy marriage, unhappy job, unhappy place because it's keeping a roof over my head. This might be something only people of privilege feel...?

3. Scary movies. I watch them because Justin likes them, and sometimes the idea of being spooked (as opposed to gratuitous gore) is alluring, but I'm always haunted by what I've seen for at least a few days after. I'll go around turning on lights or peeking around corners...or making Justin stand outside the bathroom while I pee, so I won't have to walk back to the bedroom alone. My college boyfriend made me watch those Rob Zombie movies and I'm still having nightmares

30 Things...1

I came across this post recently and loved it . One of the gifts of blogging (really, this is more journal than blog) is that someday my kiddos will have a window into the mind of their mother, even if it is an incomplete, scattered view. I tend to only blog when I'm feeling some emotion deeply, be it love, sadness, or guilt. Perhaps this list of 30 Things will help round out the picture of who I am, as both mother and individual. http://www.babymakingmachine.com/2013/05/30-things-my-kids-should-know-about-me-revamped.html

First things first.

1. List 20 random facts about yourself:

1. I wear a size 11 shoe. While pregnant I feared my feet expanding (as some women experience) more than the pain of  childbirth.

2. As a child I received a new Christmas ornament every year that would be mine that to take with me some day. I ended up with a lot of angels, but I was very insistent that my angels all be brunette. I felt very discriminated against because the majority of angels are depicted with blonde hair. Dramatic, much?

3. In elementary "school" (I was homeschooled) my best friend and I transcribed from film to play the entirety of "Mary Poppins." Along with some other homeschool friends we put on the play for our families. I was Mary Poppins...I don't think I've sung a solo since. I hope not.

4. In middle school I was obsessed with Star Wars. I think it started as a way to relate to my male peers but ultimately became a way to continue the rich fantasy life I'd had as a child into my teen years.

5. I smoked in college. To my knowledge my parents never knew, but now that I'm older I realize how difficult that was to conceal. I wouldn't be surprised if they knew and were just giving me space to make my own mistakes.

6. When I was little I first wanted to be a nurse, then an actress. In high school I wanted to be an archaeologist. In college I thought I'd try English. Later I transferred from Salem College to The University of Mary Washington to major in archaeology. Once there I switched to pre-law, then English. I managed to get a BA in English and thought I'd go to grad school for library science, or to get my teaching certificate. Instead, I had babies, and now I dream of being a doula/nutritionist. Time will tell.

7. I waited tables and tended bar for 6 years. I'm not sure which experience was more valuable, serving or college.

8. I saw Bob Dylan in concert in Boone, NC. He was both terrible and wonderful, one of the best nights of my life.

9. I've been sky diving - April 20th, 2007 (I think?). That date is significant.
10. I have felt the hand of God. The first time was in the backseat of our minivan, 13 years old, moving from Spotsylvania to Charlotte County, VA. I was crying and feeling utterly alone, listening to Christian rock music, begging God to take away my hurt. I felt his hand on my back and complete peace washed over me. A deep assurance that I was not alone filled my entire body. I can still feel that hand, 17 years later. It happened again the summer of 2008, when I was in Europe, running away from the life I'd led all throughout college, the man I'd been with, the purposeless that was consuming me. God's timing is perfect, though I see now that it often takes living in places of deep grief for him to reach me...or for me to turn to him.
11. I've been to the Running of the Bulls. There was sangria, cheap wine, muddy streets, and lots of young boys. Those poor creatures.
12. I can't hula hoop to save my life.
13. I love nearly all fruits and veggies but I can't hang with cantaloupe.
14. I've always been very flexible. I used to be able to bend my pinky back to touch my wrist. I probably still could but now I'm afraid of contributing to arthritis.
15. I love doing laundry, especially folding. I find it very soothing.
16. I've always loved organization and order. I used to line my crayons up by color, go through shelves at the library making sure the Dewey Decimal System hadn't been messed up, and sort disordered store displays back as they should be.
17. I spend a lot of time (too much, I'm sure) analyzing decisions I've made and options for the future - I'm scared of waking up 80 years old with a life full of regrets.
18. I wish we could abandon all our "stuff" and move to another country, health insurance and savings plan be damned.
19. I cuss in my head, and when I fight with Justin, and I don't like it. But I also hear it alleviates stress, so...
20. I cry all the time, and if I seem cold and unemotional in public it's probably because I'm holding back a wall of tears I'm determined not to spill around strangers.